Cantique de Noel

(Re-posted from 12/12/2010)
I love the nature of Christmas Carols, in many of them, like hymns, the words are more doctrinal worship than simply lyrical folk music for the season. Of all the times I have sung them, heard them or played them, there is always one that strikes me in some new way. Maybe I realize I've been getting the line wrong all these years and "Oh that makes so much more sense!" or perhaps somewhere a verse that is typically omitted is sung, or perhaps a stanza resonates with what my heart yearns for at this present time.

Which brings me to 'O Holy Night!' I love this carol/hymn so much, I always have. But now I have a different reason than the moving melody and breathtaking harmonies that have been put to these precious and prophetic words. In his translation, John Sullivan Dwight captured the meaning of advent, of waiting for the Christ, "our dear Savior," longing for his coming, both once as prophesied to Bethlehem and again to return to His Kingdom...where we find ourselves now, in waiting.

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,

It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining, (Rom. 5:12)

Till He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth. (Rom.5:15-16)

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices! (Luke 2:10-14)

O night divine, the night when Christ was born;

O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!

O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!



Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,

With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.

O'er the world a star is sweetly gleaming, (Matt. 2:2)

Now come the wisemen from out of the Orient land. (Matt. 2:11)

The King of kings lay thus lowly manger;

In all our trials born to be our friend,

He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger. (Is. 53)

Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!

Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!



Truly He taught us to love one another,

His law is love and His gospel is peace. (1 John 4)

Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.

And in his name all oppression shall cease. (Is. 42: 1-4, Matt. 12:18-21)

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,

With all our hearts we praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,

His power and glory ever more proclaim! (Matt. 6:13, Rev. 7:12)

His power and glory ever more proclaim!





I love these words of faith, of our Christ, of our hope and Salvation, and of His Glory and Grace.

Bits and Pieces

My thoughts, as of late, have been as widely scattered as my emotions...and equally unresolved. I'm starting to put some of these rampant thoughts down, because I don't want to lose them to the abyss burred beneath analytical papers and objectivity. So, here are the stanzas that are impeding my term paper....

---

Wander in a starlit
And silent night
Awake in a dream
Chasing shadows of light

---

Only one heart hears
These whispers and tears
One hand to hold back
The questions and fears

---

You have to start somewhere,
beginning.
Though in no way prepared,
sudden.
Taken completely by surprise,
unexpected.
Caution often hesitates,
lingering.
A heart can only hold so much,
surrendered.
Immediacy takes precedence,
overlooked.
Waiting fades with time,
changed.
Making way for something new,
ending.

How pop has ruined an entire day of the week.

"It's Friday!": 1) Formerly, a widely appreciated exclamation celebrating the end of the drudgery of the work-week; 2) A phrase now tainted by a highly, and annoyingly, contagious pop song.

"T.G.I.F.!": 1) Formerly, a widely appreciated exclamation celebrating the end of the drudgery of the work-week; 2) (TM) Widely associated with tantalizingly marinaded proteins, single-handedly marketing Jack Daniel's Tennessee Whiskey; 3) A phrase now tainted by a highly, and annoyingly, contagious pop song.

Study of Job: Suffering

In Hebrew Poetic and Wisdom Lit. we have just done our lesson on the Book of Job...these are some thoughts from our discussion:

Sometimes we analyze our lives and try to detect what sins we have committed that God is punishing us for. I think the value of the book of Job, and later on the teachings of Jesus, show us that the righteous don't always prosper, nor do the wicked always suffer. One of the great examples of this is in John 9:1-3, where Jesus and disciples come across a blind man, and the disciples ask Jesus, "Who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" This is direct evidence that the Mesopotamian doctrine of the righteous and the wicked was alive and well. The disciples attributed his blindness to sin. Jesus' answer was very instructive--"Nobody sinned." You can just imagine the reaction of the disciples. What? You gotta be kidding!!!! Nobody sinned? How could that be? Then Jesus went on to say that it was so that the glory of God could be displayed, and he healed the man. The point is that not all suffering is due to sin. There is such a thing as innocent suffering, and that God can work through that suffering for his glory. ~Dr. Bricker

This lesson in John 9 is one I have come across in several studies on grief and loss and it has stuck with me for both personal and philosophical reasons. It makes me angry when someone tries to place the reasons for suffering in the hands of sin. Or blessing in the hands of consumerism. Christ's teaching spoke contrarily to the culture then, as I believe it speaks to our culture now. The story of Job and the lesson Jesus gives raise the awareness of just how narrow our human understanding is. It would be simpler to understand "cause and effect" as a relationship between people and their suffering/blessing, but we are freed from such simplicities by the great complexity of God. He is bigger than our simple reason and finitude of logic and so responds to our "either/or" with "neither." There have always been things for which humankind has tried to account, but fails to do so accurately...I think suffering is one of the trickiest. We want answers, justifications for our suffering, and "cause/effect of sin" does not satisfy the innocent. Without something more than what we are capable of understanding, it just feels like pain, loss, or injustice...and suffering is often these things, but the tricky part is not as simple as "who sinned/what caused/what deserves" it. But then neither does "for the Glory of God" satisfy as an answer. Because then the motive for our suffering and explaining that just makes God sound well...like a self-serving, maniacal tyrant. BUT while "for His glory" may not serve as an answer for the "why" and "reason" for our suffering, it does satisfy as the hope through our suffering. The hope is that the Glory of God and His Greatness is what will be seen in light of our suffering and is made manifest because of it. "For His Glory" is more the result of suffering than it is the reason for it.

At least these are the terms I've come to thus far. I grapple with these aspects of grief and grace, loss and hope, suffering and mercy on a regular basis, it is just part of my life story right now...trying to put these few thoughts into adequate words seems near impossible. I don't believe in pat-answers, they don't satisfy me, and because of it there are many more frustrating things to consider...most of which I am trying to come to terms with and/or vainly trying to understand. But suffering in its many forms is often inexplicable. I appreciate the perspective of suffering on a large scale, as well as a personal one. It is generally understood that we as human beings deal with suffering in more than one way...by that I mean there are different kinds of suffering, which we must face differently. I know the discussion of suffering in a general wide-scale is tragic and often deeply heart-wrenching, as with loss in the proportion of disasters like Katrina, wars, famine, etc. I also know how the suffering of personal loss, can be much more painful.

In the past four years I have lost my sole surviving grandparent, my biological mother to cancer, and my father has suffered two strokes...my life, while not being defined by the effects of these losses has been reshaped by them. This article (Francis I. Andersen, "The Problems of Suffering in the Book of Job") reminds me foremost of a book I have lived by (took me two years to get through it) by Jerry Sittser, 'A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss.' In it is the confirmation of God's abiding love throughout our suffering, even when it is inexplicable...beyond comprehension or explanation. Even when there are those around us who, like Job's friends, tell us our loss is punishment, judgement, consequence, the balance of fate, or a myriad of other philosophies all of which I've heard pandered. But as impossible as it is to understand loss...to see a "good" a "reason" or "purpose"...besides that, the whole of suffering is overcome with the heart of Love. I think it is this realization that enables us to move from a place of suffering to facing it...embracing it, and then because of it becoming more than someone who is suffering and has suffered.

Sittser says, "Catastrophic loss by definition precludes recovery. It will transform us or destroy us, but it will never leave us the same." I will never understand why God saw fit that I finally begin a relationship with my biological mother, and then have her stripped from my life a few years later...but I have learned, and become dependent upon, the hope that because of this loss I can become more like Christ and be closer to Him in ways that only suffering allows me to be. Loss, is never easy, it is always only loss. But it is Grace that goes beyond the inability to understand, and the unanswered questions of why.

Love's ultimate display is found in suffering - that is the work of Christ on the cross - and the depths of Love can be found amid our own suffering - that is the work of Hope. It doesn't make the loss any less, or the questions any fewer, but it does make the void which can only be filled by Love even greater.
I'm sorry I can not be more concise...but addressing suffering never is.

Process Pending.

It has been a long time since I have allowed my thoughts to spill out on paper (figuratively or otherwise), and with the exception of strategically timed conversations I haven't gotten to the "verbal" part of verbal-processing yet. Almost every facet of my life is suspended in a state of 'Pending'. Thoughts and emotions are difficult to process when the situations surrounding them are contingent on something to catalyze motion, change, or anything of substance to actually deal with. 'Pending' is dependent on an uncertainty, all else must continue forward but this aspect is arrested in a state of hypothetical outcome. There is not much to do about something that isn't happening, and you can't really adjust to something that isn't changing. There is no "good, bad and otherwise" to grapple with, it isn't really anything...just...pending. A state of "if/then," unsure of how one thing will affect this other thing so that something, anything, can begin to be done about it. This is so much more than waiting, for while waiting is involved, it is not waiting that I find difficult. I can be very patient for things to happen, for opportunities and decisions to unfold, waiting is not the problem. But things outside of certainty are the eminent challenge, the overwhelmingly undefined and undetermined, the 'Pending'. My reactions are pending an outcome, my decisions pending a result, my state of being pending a change, my direction pending a potentiality...and that's about as far in my processing as I've gotten; process pending.

Out of the silent darkness

Dedicated to Tim Handley, and the others affected by the Alabama disaster.
May hope be your light in the dark.

Out of the silent darkness
There arose a murmuring plea
As weathered faith hung desperately
On battered and bruised belief
Barely audible the answer came
Little more than a breath
It settled upon a restless heart
From which came the fervent prayer
Slowly a spark began to glow
Until flame lingered there
Where fear and doubt pervade
The burning grew steadily
Then raged and quickly died
Only pulsing embers remained
This gentle glow among the dross
Left little but a steady hope
That pierced the dreary night
And one by one the souls around
Began to light the dark
Like a mirrored starlight sky
And the promise of hope is shared
As God gives light to men

A much needed reprieve.

These past 4 months have been rampant with contradicting and contrasting emotions and levels of struggle. There have been significant dates, which mark the passing of time more than the easing of pain. Blessed and challenging times. Relief from and initiation of struggles. Frightening moments and months of recovery. An uncounted number of lessons and immeasurable losses. Perhaps it is that there is only one-and-a-half weeks remaining in the semester, that the stress levels are increasing at an overwhelming rate, or that the human body can only take so much without a break or reprieve. But whatever the equally likely reason may be, my soul feels ready to dissolve into a puddle, become unhinged and fly apart, implode in a catastrophic heap...all at once. And while the laws of physics assure me this cannot in fact happen, I am certain that at some juncture there will be tears involved...a very many healthy tears...but painful soul-shaking sobs that have very little to do with anything and yet express the myriad of all that has been this year thus far.
* A depressing Christmas Eve
* My Father's 2nd stroke
* Academic fears/hopes
* Interpersonal frustrations
* Significant 2 year anniversaries of freedom
* Significant 3 year anniversaries of loss
* Unforeseen changes in dreams
* Unsatisfied questions/wrestlings with God

Many of these involve good things, much to be thankful for, and have been met with the reassurance of God's unending faithfulness. But the strain, the enduring pain of some things threaten to undermine the brief glimpses of progress.
I was struck today by the power of Fear.
And the return of the potentially faith-crippling challenge: "Do you trust ME."
Yes, I do...but...
"My child, Do you TRUST me?"
I want to, but I'm afraid.
"Can you Trust Me?"
Yes, but I am still afraid.
"I know what is best, whatever happens. I KNOW, I DESIRE, what is best. I am in CONTROL, regardless of what might happen. Trust Me."

Trust--there are few things in this world which are defined by polar extremes, trust is one of them. You either Trust or you do not. (There is no try.) I either Trust my Heavenly Father, the Creator and Sustainer, the wholly Other and immediately present God who is beyond time and space, description and comprehension...or I do not.
Do I DARE to Trust, despite what I hope...despite what I fear.
Trust must be such an act of faith, of dependancy. Denying my fear, forsaking knowing, surrendering my concept of "best."
Trust is not merely accepting His plan or His control in place of mine...because I don't know to what end they will lead. He is not offering any alternative plan and asking me to trust THAT...no, far beyond that, despite whatever events may occur, He is asking that I Trust HIM.
DARE I? Dare I not?
CAN I trust you? Yes.
I Trust IN you. Not for whatever may or may not occur, but because of WHO YOU ARE. I place my Trust in YOU. YOU. I Trust YOU.

"DO you Trust ME?" Yes...with all my fear and unknowing, I Do.

A Story of Love: The Breaking of A Dream (Part 1)

Once I dreamed of love, and as a story it went something like this.

Once Upon A Time,
I believed that no matter what other people thought or said I would be in love.
I believed I was loved even when my feelings were hurt, my hopes crushed, and my dreams discounted.
I believed I was loved unconditionally, before I knew what "unconditionally" meant but knew its freedom.
I believed I was loved despite being alone, unpopular, excluded, hurt or misunderstood.
I believed I was loved with a simple trust with which I could sing with certainty, "for the Bible tells me so."

And as with all stories, some years went by.
What I once believed became so contradicted by what I saw and heard from others.
What I once believed became mere childhood fantasies as reality emerged from the haze of imagination.
What I once believed became redefined by words like "expectations," "disapproval" and "contingency."
What I once believed became overwhelmed by broken promises, hurtful rejections, and misguided advice.
What I once believed became lost in uncertainty and contradictions.

Once love was not defined by anyone else, but then became just another area of failure.
Once love taught me I was enough, but then became a measured expectancy.
Once love felt like freedom, but then became a manipulative contingency.
Once love was understood as being for everyone, but then became withheld from and refused by some.
Once love satisfied any pain of doubt, but then became an empty and hopeless striving.

Once I dreamed of love, but this was the breaking of a dream.

To Be Continued....

taking a break...

...or other such justification for procrastinating.
Whatever you call it, my brain is spitting out thoughts...I assume in an attempt to make way for the deluge of information I'm cramming in at the last minute (as always).

Wherefore we find ourselves lost to reason we find faith. And upon such end we must search for hope, or perish. Else it is a desolate end of man that by hopeless reckoning we suffer an illusion of certainty. For incomprehensible to reason are such truths of grace and love, which are only articulated by faith and grasped by hope.

...okay, now back to work.

Union

This past semester I have been dwelling upon such concepts as Community, the Church, Christian responsibility to Love, Relationship, honor, grace, and abiding with Abba. I have so many questions, thoughts, and floating bits of information in my brain that I can't seem to put into my own words. But here are some of the more poignant words I've recently meditated on in light of my readings, which touch on so many other areas of theology and praxis, summed up in Manning's chaper called 'union.'

"When then, eternal Father, did you create this creature of yours?...You show me that you made us for one reason only: in your light you saw yourself compelled by the fire of your love to give us being in spite of the evil we would commit against you, eternal Father. It was, fire, then that compelled you....You are the fire, nothing but a fire of love, crazy over what you have made."
-'The Prayers of Catherine of Siena'

"The starting point of [St. John's] Theology is abiding in restful union....Words such as union, fusion, and symbiosis hint at the ineffable oneness with Jesus that the apostle Paul experienced: "It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me" (Gal. 2:20)....[Union] is a word pregnant with a reality that surpasses understanding, the only reality worth yearning for with love and patience, the only reality before which we should stay very quiet."

"The fantasy [of self-development] is that if one heads in the right direction and just works hard enough to learn new things and grows enough and gets actualized, one will be there."
- Gerald May

"In retrospect, my ponderous ponderings on purgative, illuminative, and unitive stages of my spiritual life, my assiduous search for shortcuts to holiness, my preoccupation with my spiritual pulse and my fasts, mortifications, and penances have wrought pseudobliss and the egregious delusion that I was securely ensconced in the seventh mansion of spiritual perfection. What would I actually do if I had it to do all over again? Heeding John's counsel, I would simply do the next thing in love."

"Once again, love by its nature seeks union. With the grace of recognition comes the awesome and alarming awareness that Jesus, the incarnation of the furious longing of God, wants more than a close relationship with you and me; He seeks nothing less than union."

"Union not only transcends every political, social, cultural, and religious consideration and not only infuses them with ultimate meaning, but defines the very purpose of life itself."

"THE INVITATION TO UNION IS EXTENDED NOT ONLY FOR CHRISTIANS OF IRON WILL, AUSTERE SEEKERS OF GOD, THOSE WHO PREACH THE GOSPEL AND GET DOCTORATES IN THEOLOGY....THE OUTSTRETCHED ARMS OF JESUS EXCLUDE NO ONE, NEITHER THE DRUNK IN THE DOORWAY, THE PANHANDLER ON THE STREET, GAYS AND LESBIANS IN THEIR ISOLATION, THE MOST SELFISH AND UNGRATEFUL IN THE THEIR COCOONS, THE MOST UNJUST OF EMPLOYERS AND THE MOST OVERWEENING OF SNOBS. THE LOVE OF CHRIST EMBRACES ALL WITHOUT EXCEPTION."



All excerpts taken from brennan manning, the furious longing of God (2009).