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If shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine
If it had a home would it be my eyes
Would you believe me if I said

I am tired of this.

Well here we go...one more time

I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to change this mind
You better believe that I tried to beat this

So when will this end
It goes on and on
And over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it wont stop
Till I step down from this for good

I never thought Id end up here
I never thought Id be standing where I am
I guess I kind of thought it would be easier than this
I guess I was wrong now one more time

Cause I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to change this mind
You better believe that I tried to beat this

So when will this end
It goes on and on
And over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it wont stop
Till I step down from this
Sick cycle carousel, this is a sick cycle, yeah.

none

That's right, "none"...if I think of a title that can adequately summarize the randomness of a topic I have no preconception for, I'll change it...maybe.
In the mean time, there is nothing I have to say...specifically.
I could tell you I'm listening to a Celtic radio stream on Pandora, but I couldn't begin to describe how amazing the fiddle sounds, how darned attractive men singing in Gaelic is, or how much I want to be able to play a end-blown wooden flute.
I could tell you about my surroundings; the sliding door is open because the evenings are cool--which is nice and inspired me to clean the living room and kitchen, I hung a few pictures not caring if they come down in three weeks...none of which is interesting unless you've BEEN to my apartment...and even then may be of no interest at all.
I could tell you what 'Organize' on my 'To Do List' really means; but I don't think I could explain WHY it is so important to keep my Dry Erase Markers in color order, or make you understand that alphabetizing my DVDs is not strictly for a matter of cataloging and quick locating...they just MUST be that way. As it would be futile to explain my obsession with Ziploc storage containers and baggies, colored paperclips, pushpins, clips, matching pens, highlighters...and the general divine nature of office supplies.

To be perfectly honest, I just feel like typing. Strange since I type very poorly, slowly, and think best with a pen and paper (stone ages, I know), but all the same.
Pandora has made a selection of accordion-lead music....I'm aghast to say that I actually enjoy it.
It just registered that I said, "the evenings are cool" not realizing it is midnight. The Monster MIXXED I had with dinner might be a culprit in that. I need to acquire (I always forget to type that with a 'c') more black frames, white icicle lights, cleaning supplies, and also a hammock.
AND RICE!!

oh, now THERE is a topic!!!

I have been sans rice for... ...so long that I can't remember the LAST time I had rice... ...too long. How have I survived? Truly God's providence. RiceRiceRice...I love rice. Rice and Tilapia. Rice and Teriyaki Chicken. Rice and Beef and Broccoli. Rice and Nori. Rice in Sushi...SUSHI! OMG I must stop now...before I start eating the furniture.

I should watch a movie tonight...I think I will. I think I will.
i think i can, i think i can, i think i can...(oh, nostalgia.)
Actually on second thought I shouldn't, I may, or may not. But the more I debate the issue, the more enticing my book seems...yes. I shall read. Until sleep overtakes me.

Good Night.

Fool

(Dave Mathews Band)

Look at me dreaming of you
All I could hope is to have you
To have you walking with me
Laughing so in love, we two
Almost drunkenly
I did imbibe of this
Fantasy of you and me

Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I a fool to think at all?

I've grown tired of love
You are the trouble with me
I watch you walk right by
I smile, you do not notice me
Treat me recklessly
All you do is toss me pennies out
But the silence in me is screaming
Won't you come and get me?

Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I a fool to think at all?

You make a mess of me here (was I a fool? )
I dance a thousand steps for you (was I a fool? )
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think?
Am I a fool, am I a fool for you?

Lyrics

They catch me off guard sometimes...how accurately they say what I feel but otherwise couldn't find words for.

Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

Meditations

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He would give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross
My guilt upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no powr's, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

by Stuart Townend

Collapse

Sometimes there are things that peck away at our consciousness with a niggling persistence that refuses to be ignored. All the more bothersome when the source of the pestering can not be placed or sorted, narrowed down to anything specific, or rationalized--it is an uncertain, vague, and unrelenting nuisance. So you are ever distracted from the present moment until you make resolution of this undefined nagging. Its like an itchy spot beneath a cast, an invisible sliver in your finger, an unidentifiable pitch just high enough to hear but not discover. And you wage war with this annoyance with all your cognitive power, hoping to silence it with resistance, you press on with the willful force and valiant effort of a child with chicken-pox. But it will not dissipate or recede to the back of your mind with the other lingering things yet dealt with.
Until finally, in frustrated resignation and with reluctant chagrin you turn your mind toward this pestilence of thought. There you find what has been hunting the recesses of your brain, every corner of reasoning, a purging flood of emotion that has been held in suppression, a tower threatening to break at your gasp for release. It is a torrential accumulation of things that you have refused, spurned and denied, slowly amassing into an overwhelming force you can not now escape. It hovers, an impending wave of absolute dissolution. You have no safeguard, no choice, no resolve, and you breathe in deep, not knowing when you will draw a full lung of air again, and close your eyes...but not before a single tear escapes and rolls down your cheek.

Angel of Mercy
How did you find me?
Where did you read my story?
Pulled from the papers
Desperate and hardened
Seeking a momentary fix

All I wanted to say
All I wanted to do
Is fall apart now
All I wanted to feel
I wanted to love
Its all my fault now
A Tragedy I fear

Angel of Mercy
How did you find me?
How did you pick me up again?
Angel of Mercy
How did you move me?
Why am I on my feet again?
And I see you

I feel you

Before just the daylight
Come and I stand by
Waiting to catch the quickest plane
Fly me to nowhere
Its better than somewhere
That's where I've been and nothing's changed

All I wanted to say
All I wanted to do
Is fall apart now
All I wanted to feel
I wanted to love
Its all my fault now
A Tragedy for sure

Angel of Mercy
How did you find me?
How did you pick me up again?
Angel of Mercy
How did you move me?
Why am I on my feet again?
And I see you

I feel you

I'm so lost in you
A tragedy seemed to be over now
A tragedy it seemed to be

Angel of Mercy
How did you find me?
How did you pick me up again?
Angel of Mercy
How did you move me?
Why am I on my feet again?
And I see you

I feel you