A much needed reprieve.

These past 4 months have been rampant with contradicting and contrasting emotions and levels of struggle. There have been significant dates, which mark the passing of time more than the easing of pain. Blessed and challenging times. Relief from and initiation of struggles. Frightening moments and months of recovery. An uncounted number of lessons and immeasurable losses. Perhaps it is that there is only one-and-a-half weeks remaining in the semester, that the stress levels are increasing at an overwhelming rate, or that the human body can only take so much without a break or reprieve. But whatever the equally likely reason may be, my soul feels ready to dissolve into a puddle, become unhinged and fly apart, implode in a catastrophic heap...all at once. And while the laws of physics assure me this cannot in fact happen, I am certain that at some juncture there will be tears involved...a very many healthy tears...but painful soul-shaking sobs that have very little to do with anything and yet express the myriad of all that has been this year thus far.
* A depressing Christmas Eve
* My Father's 2nd stroke
* Academic fears/hopes
* Interpersonal frustrations
* Significant 2 year anniversaries of freedom
* Significant 3 year anniversaries of loss
* Unforeseen changes in dreams
* Unsatisfied questions/wrestlings with God

Many of these involve good things, much to be thankful for, and have been met with the reassurance of God's unending faithfulness. But the strain, the enduring pain of some things threaten to undermine the brief glimpses of progress.
I was struck today by the power of Fear.
And the return of the potentially faith-crippling challenge: "Do you trust ME."
Yes, I do...but...
"My child, Do you TRUST me?"
I want to, but I'm afraid.
"Can you Trust Me?"
Yes, but I am still afraid.
"I know what is best, whatever happens. I KNOW, I DESIRE, what is best. I am in CONTROL, regardless of what might happen. Trust Me."

Trust--there are few things in this world which are defined by polar extremes, trust is one of them. You either Trust or you do not. (There is no try.) I either Trust my Heavenly Father, the Creator and Sustainer, the wholly Other and immediately present God who is beyond time and space, description and comprehension...or I do not.
Do I DARE to Trust, despite what I hope...despite what I fear.
Trust must be such an act of faith, of dependancy. Denying my fear, forsaking knowing, surrendering my concept of "best."
Trust is not merely accepting His plan or His control in place of mine...because I don't know to what end they will lead. He is not offering any alternative plan and asking me to trust THAT...no, far beyond that, despite whatever events may occur, He is asking that I Trust HIM.
DARE I? Dare I not?
CAN I trust you? Yes.
I Trust IN you. Not for whatever may or may not occur, but because of WHO YOU ARE. I place my Trust in YOU. YOU. I Trust YOU.

"DO you Trust ME?" Yes...with all my fear and unknowing, I Do.