Bits and Pieces

My thoughts, as of late, have been as widely scattered as my emotions...and equally unresolved. I'm starting to put some of these rampant thoughts down, because I don't want to lose them to the abyss burred beneath analytical papers and objectivity. So, here are the stanzas that are impeding my term paper....

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Wander in a starlit
And silent night
Awake in a dream
Chasing shadows of light

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Only one heart hears
These whispers and tears
One hand to hold back
The questions and fears

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You have to start somewhere,
beginning.
Though in no way prepared,
sudden.
Taken completely by surprise,
unexpected.
Caution often hesitates,
lingering.
A heart can only hold so much,
surrendered.
Immediacy takes precedence,
overlooked.
Waiting fades with time,
changed.
Making way for something new,
ending.

Out of the silent darkness

Dedicated to Tim Handley, and the others affected by the Alabama disaster.
May hope be your light in the dark.

Out of the silent darkness
There arose a murmuring plea
As weathered faith hung desperately
On battered and bruised belief
Barely audible the answer came
Little more than a breath
It settled upon a restless heart
From which came the fervent prayer
Slowly a spark began to glow
Until flame lingered there
Where fear and doubt pervade
The burning grew steadily
Then raged and quickly died
Only pulsing embers remained
This gentle glow among the dross
Left little but a steady hope
That pierced the dreary night
And one by one the souls around
Began to light the dark
Like a mirrored starlight sky
And the promise of hope is shared
As God gives light to men

A Story of Love: The Breaking of A Dream (Part 1)

Once I dreamed of love, and as a story it went something like this.

Once Upon A Time,
I believed that no matter what other people thought or said I would be in love.
I believed I was loved even when my feelings were hurt, my hopes crushed, and my dreams discounted.
I believed I was loved unconditionally, before I knew what "unconditionally" meant but knew its freedom.
I believed I was loved despite being alone, unpopular, excluded, hurt or misunderstood.
I believed I was loved with a simple trust with which I could sing with certainty, "for the Bible tells me so."

And as with all stories, some years went by.
What I once believed became so contradicted by what I saw and heard from others.
What I once believed became mere childhood fantasies as reality emerged from the haze of imagination.
What I once believed became redefined by words like "expectations," "disapproval" and "contingency."
What I once believed became overwhelmed by broken promises, hurtful rejections, and misguided advice.
What I once believed became lost in uncertainty and contradictions.

Once love was not defined by anyone else, but then became just another area of failure.
Once love taught me I was enough, but then became a measured expectancy.
Once love felt like freedom, but then became a manipulative contingency.
Once love was understood as being for everyone, but then became withheld from and refused by some.
Once love satisfied any pain of doubt, but then became an empty and hopeless striving.

Once I dreamed of love, but this was the breaking of a dream.

To Be Continued....

Here am I

Here am I, where are you?
In what distant and unreachable space
Are you held captive and afar
From dreams and hopes and futures
These things can never be.

And here am I, wishing for you
Until I can be freed from this place
But I am held fast and bound
Life by which this planet's gravity keeps
That which arrests me.

And here am I, remembering you
Breaking from confines of reality
Holding a memory of joy
Once you were here in my love
Though it be all that lives on.

Here am I, where are you?

What's it worth?

Finding what matters is harder than it seems
Because if what matters is what lasts
It cannot be determined without time.
What is long-lasting, what is worth-while?
Time holds no answer to anything, the measure is near impossible,
Time is relative.
Or what's worth measured by investment?
Energy spent = worth gained. Like hell.
If what we get out of it is what we put in we might try a bit harder,
Love a bit better, live a lot longer, and not get treated like shit.
Is it a measure of gift and reward, give and take, won or lost?
Big things seem so over-rated in hindsight,
But before the little things so large they border on crisis.
Life-altering, earth-shattering, heart-breaking, love-making...mess.
But what does it matter? What's it cost? Will it last or will it pass?
We pass on, pass by, pass over so much.
Can someone truly love with priorities in place?
How am I supposed to know what it is you think I deserve?
Because what I expect matters, is relative on your scale of preoccupation.
How you rate the world, how it treats you, what you deem worthy,
What you think you need, or want, or what you choose to cherish.
It dies, fades, rusts, melts, decomposes--dust to dust.
But one. The greatest thing--the only thing worth the offer.
But what's it to you? What's it worth--my love?
--9/27/08